From  Rt Hon David Cameron

Exercising some of the sharpest minds in Government, Whitehall, and Westminster, is the knotty problem of how best to contain this rampant Scottish Nationalist insurgency . I can tell you now that there is at last, a consensus emerging on a comprehensive Final Solution to the Scottish question.

It is always instructive to look at the world from the other chap’s point of view. Now I know this facility is not immediately apparent in the character of the hotheaded jocks (who are of course possessed of many other wonderful talents). Through no fault of their own, they are burdened by an incapacity for self-governance beyond the regional level. According to one of their own erstwhile leaders, the indigenous Scot is “not genetically programmed” to understand politics.

On the issue of the need to isolate the separatists to protect the Union, let me see if I can put this in context for you, and introduce you to EVIL-Max, an exciting new paradigm tailored to answer in full, the West Lothian question. Consider that there is no malevolence here, everyone is committed to doing what is right for Britain, AND indeed for Scotland (or as Kelvin MacKenzie light-heartedly labels it, Jockestan) .

We are all on the same team, blessed by providence to occupy “this precious stone set in the silver sea“, as our country’s national bard, Mr Shakespeare, so eloquently put it. But I digress . . .

On this whole EVIL-Max thing (I won’t confuse you with the details), all we are saying is that we are to be separate but equal. This is a political compromise with a storied international reputation. One can find precedent for this legal principle enshrined in US Constitutional Law and later endorsed by the Supreme Court of the United States in that celebrated decision, Plessy v. Ferguson.

We are fortunate to have the textbook examples of its actual implementation in two advanced societies whose jurisprudences have much in common with our own. I speak of course of our cousins in the aforementioned United States and in South Africa.

For the first 65 years of the 20th Century this grand experiment bestowed upon America unparalleled economic growth and a disciplined, respectful, society wherein everyone knew their place. As Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, I only want what is best for ALL of us, including the indigenous peoples of the North.

If we examine South African society between 1948, when the legal structure of apartheid was introduced, until some time before the evil of insurgent nationalism in the form of the ANC completed its destruction in 1994, we find a golden era of South African prosperity and order, that advantaged all of its peoples.

So successful and attractive a society was constructed, that countless Britons, and indeed many jocks, emigrated there. All we want to do is establish a similar apartheid in this family of nations that comprise the UK, one that will ensure the peace and prosperity of all.

Now, the jocks need not worry. Although they will no longer be allowed to participate in framing the bulk of British legislation (or indeed, any), they will have their own native assembly, where they can hear grievances and pass local laws affecting their indigenous population.

The current fractious arrangement at Holyrood will be ended (I’m sure to the relief of everyone) to be replaced by a body composed of what in South Africa were called “tribal elders”. These greybeards will appoint a chief who will be answerable to their assembly. The British Secretary of State for Autonomous Regions, Lord Dunlop, will have to approve the selection, of course.

The existence of a “Scotland”, never more than a romantic fiction I think we’re all agreed, will cease to be recognised, to be replaced by the Northern Autonomous Region for Indigenous Tribes (clans).

A system of pass books will be established so that migrant workers from the region can travel to Britain to take up employment. However, permanent residence in Britain will not be granted.

We will be the envy of the world. A three centuries old family of nations, separate but equal, whose status is guaranteed by carefully crafted apartheid legislation. Now you can’t say fairer than that.

ADDENDUM:

At Secretary of State Penfold’s request I have decided that you will be allowed to have a casino. I thought I’d relay that wonderful news to you, personally.